Not feeling so great... Haven't for the last few days... No I'm not sick, I'm just in a funk. Have actually been in one for a while, but it's only become overly apparent the last few days.

I'm so sick of my non existent life... Every day it's the same. I get up, go to work, come home, then sit around hating myself until I go to bed. My days off are worse, because the hating myself comes on much sooner.

Do something about it you say? Like what? Go walk around the mall by myself and hate myself even more? Call a friend you say? Well I would, but see, my friends have their own, much more interesting lives. Some of them I never even hear from unless I say something first. And then it's always the same. They've already got plans.

I'm so sick of this. I hate feeling this way, but there's not a damn thing I can do about it. There's no one I can talk to about it either. My family is a joke, and friends I try to talk to just say I'm over reacting or being too sensitive. Well live your whole fucking life alone and see if it doesn't make you sensitive.

That's exactly what I am. Extremely lonely. Family could care less about my problems, friends have their own lives, no boyfriend. Every day I sit at home, wanting to do something, or praying people will come on-line to talk to, or even Roleplay with, but neither ever happens. One friend in particular I wish would get on, but she's too busy with her own life to do so. Or lately any time she does it's at night, and she's not on very long.

I know people are busy. And no, I don't expect them to drop everything just to keep me company, but it doesn't change how I feel. I'm lonely, depressed, and just hate myself. The most friend interaction I get anymore is my weekly games. That's it. And half the time, those don't go so well for me either.

The other day I was supposed to get together with a group of friends. My game group actually, just to hang out. We do that when there's a fifth Tuesday in a month. This fifth Tuesday got switched around cause of one friend being away. So we're all planning on getting together. I'm already at Borders where we were gonna meet. I had gotten a txt from one friend saying her and her boyfriend weren't gonna make it because her cat had gotten hit by a car and died. Completely understandable there. Then another friend starts IMing me on AIM via my phone to say two others weren't gonna make it. Why I have no idea. So this friend IMing me figured there was no reason for him to come. Even though I was already there.

Yeah... That didn't make me feel very good. At all. That's what set of this recent funk actually. I decided to do a few things that needed done anyway, but literally forced myself to do them. I didn't want to. I was in no mood. Just like I'm in no mood to do work on my costume for Otakon next month. The con is less then a month away, but because of my funk, I can't get myself to work on my costume that I've hardly started on.

I'm so sick of feeling this way. I'm sick of not being able to talk about it without being brushed aside or called over sensitive. I'm ALWAYS there when people need me, but the moment I need them, it's never pretty. I either get called over sensitive, a fight starts, or the person I'm trying to talk to is upset about something, so I let them rant, even though I'm not in the mood to hear it, and keep quiet about my own pain. Guess that's why I keep everything to myself, or blab about it in some stupid journal.

... I don't even know where I'm going with this anymore... Long story short, I'm lonely, depressed, and hate myself because of it. I'm just going to shut up now...